Schwer.

Hard.

Let me tell you, you  might think you are the strongest person in the world... then you are put into a situation that you can't even fathom. For the longest time I was prepared for this. "Yes, I am going to be an exchange student." ..."Yep, for a year." "No, I'll be fine.. I'll see everyone again." ..."Uh huh. Yup."
I've had so many conversations about being an exchange student that I thought I'd be fine.
And not be homesick.

Well, Deutschland has shown me that I'm not so strong...

But I think that's okay.

I feel so weak and alone in the moment, but I know in the future that will actually make me s t r o n g e r. It sounds impossible to me right now, but I have a feeling... I have hope that that is how everything will turn out.



Better.

"May be surrounded by a million people... I still feel all alone. I just wanna go home." [Home by Michael Buble]

Really, I have so much comfort here. My host dad is always there for me, always asking what he can do to make me happy... and when I was sick, my host mom brought me medicine and made me tee and everything.
It's just... different.
And I should be GLAD that I have such a loving family here... but...
It's not my family.

For the first time, I typed the words "I want to go home" yesterday.
Then I realized... how stupid.

Quit your cryin and keep your chin up, chickeedoo.


Make your grandma proud, and be the Princess she knows you are.
Make your parents proud, and be strong like they raised you to be.
Make your little cousins proud, and be their role model by living life to the fullest.
Make your big brother proud by showing him you're as brave as him.
Make your friends proud by making new memories to share with them.
Make yourself proud by sticking with it, Kenni.

^^ My inbounds call me Kenni, and I love it more than anything.
I love my inbounds... at my Sprachkurs, we all became so close.
Like family.

They ARE my family here.

I will meet them in Loreley next weekend... then the Berlin tour in October. Then (maybe) a ski trip in December (it's a little expensive). Then a 3 week European tour around Easter.

Sometimes, they are the what keeps me going. They are going through the same thing as me. And if they can stay strong, then I can too.

I'm going to make this the best year of my life. No matter how hard it is.

I can do this.

You want me to Blog?

I don't even know where to start.

So much has happened... kind of. And I don't know how to capture all of my feelings through this blog.

How can I make you understand what it has been like?

Amazing.

Sad.

Exciting.

Frustrating.

The best.

The worst.

Perfect.

It's impossible to get the message across.

H o m e s i c k n e s s has been a pain.

I've forgotten what a lot of things are like.

A hug.

A kiss.

Holding my cousin.

Hearing my dad's laugh.

Dancing with my mom.

Annoying Eric.

Painting nails with Shelb.

Goodwill trips with Alyssa.

Old Colorguard friends just getting together.

And all these things are so stupid.

...

And I miss these stupid little things more than anything.

But I absolutely love my life here.

For the past week, I have been at a speaking course. It's more work to me than actual school.

We stay at a hotel with the rest of the exchange students (which I love), and walk over to the University every morning at 10 AM. We're there until 4...and we just LEARN GERMAN.

Und...mein Deutsch ist besser! ... Ich denke.

Everybody understands everyone. I can TALK with them about stuff.

Or not even talk...... they just know.

It's really hard to explain.

But everyone knows how everything is.

No word has to be spoken.

Comfort is just always there.

Now, Kennadi... what have you been doing in Germany?

Well... I went to see Steffen. It was perfect.

I won't go on and on about that and get all mushy gushy.

But I am going to go visit him in November again.

It's crazy that after 3 years this bond has been formed.

Super crazy.

Soooo crazy.

Okay ähmmm..... that's just me babbling because I don't know what to say.

What do you want to hear?

Oh, you want to hear about my way back home from Ulm? Okay.

The way there, no problem. Supa pumped to see Steffen.

Way back, supa tired. Fell asleep.

Oh, my train is in Darmstadt... got there at 7:25. I wake up. It's 7:35. Oh, hey Kennadi. I think you slept through your stop.

But wait, the train is still not moving. How bout you try to ramble to someone in German to find out where in the world you are?

Yep, Darmstadt. OPE!!!!! < The train starts moving. Lemme just jump on the freaking train while it's moving and almost break your leg because you're an idiot and don't know how to stay calm in such a drastic situation.

Kidding.

It was scary though. 

I am now scared of the combination of sleeping and train riding.

I literally don't know what to say.

I just told you about a train ride.

Why did I do that?

I seem really bipolar and ADHD in this post, eh?

I swear I'll post better stuff a different day.

Mein nächste BLOG.... nur Deutsch ;)

Aber...... wirklich nicht.

Tschüß!